Playing with fire

AGAIN, DON'T READ THIS IF YOU THINK THAT EMPATHY CAN MAKE YOU HAVE A BAD TIME. I KNOW WHAT IS THIS. 

AND, IF YOU DO, PLEASE DON'T INSULT ME SAYING THAT I HAVE A MENTAL ISSUE. IT HAPPENED TO ME LIKE A LOT OF TIMES. 


Ok, there goes the explanation.



Some months ago, I discovered that I have trypophobia. Every time that I saw that type of images I got almost hysterical, I couldn't see that images. I just couldn't.

But I got an idea: I could try to draw things similar to that trypophobic images and try to scare myself.
And, thanks to that, I'm better. I mean, I still can't stare at those images during too much time, but I don't get so mad when I see them.

What do I mean?

I tried to do the same with The Black Sheep.

I refuse to assume that I have THAT problem. And in fact it's stupid to fear a knife. Is stupid to get mad suddenly because a knife and lose my mind at the point of try to punch my cousin without knowing it because of that knife.

I am not like that. I never attack someone, even when I should defend myself I don't do. Less because aggressiveness. 

I haven't tried to do these things for a long time, I think because basically it is useless, and my will power leaves much to be desired... 

Now I tried this.

But I don't think it worth it. 


I always think "this time nothing happens", “alright, everything's ok for now”, "it's just a razor, it does not have to make you angry", "this time nothing will happen".

Look, don't get me wrong, it's not immediate. Once I grab it, the longer I have it in my hand, the harder it will be to let it go, and if I hold it in my hand for a while, I begin to feel enraged for no reason, like I need to attack something because I can't attack someone. I feel like a caged lion.

Like grabbing a hot red iron that sticks to your hand. The longer you grab it, the more it will burn you.

I don't now how I get my brain to work again.

I think I just get tired and decide that's enough.
Or maybe someone manage to make me think about what I'm doing... 

Ich vermute, weil ich mich in einer falschen Weise entlasten musste, als ich Mobbing erlitt. Ich hielt mich an dem Messer, um meinen Hass fließen zu lassen, und für eine Weile hielt ich mich vor den Leuten, die mich verletzt haben, aber jetzt ist es ein Problem, denn hält mich von den Leuten sicher, die sich auch um mich kümmern.

And I HATE feeling like that.

AND ALL BECAUSE A SIMPLE, LITTLE AND STUPID KNIFE.

At least I can say that I tried... and I'll keep trying.

I think that there must be a way to turn that bad feeling into good reminds, but I don't know how. That's the point.

And why did I do this? 

I don't know. I got way too motivated I guess... 

They say that faith can move mountains.

Fire-Ebony